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Monday, December 22, 2003

Appendix A : History of the Blog 

Historians often date the origins of the blog (or "web log") back to the early 1990's.

Historians are also botany school drop outs who couldn't make the grade. It also just so happens that historians are often historically incorrect and it is the job of people like me, (boy genius is the term we use) to correct these ridiculous errors on the part of the socially inept.

The Blog is known to have it's origins all the way back to the 1350's, where in Latvia at the time, many people were recording diaries. The Spanish Armada (one of the greatest military conflicts between the Polish and the Maxwell House Coffee Makers Union 100) was about to break out all over the Eastern Seaboard, and it was the job of the Journeymen Diarywainers to accomplish the often boring task of recording down historical happenings and their dates.

Now as everyone knows, the Latvians speak Latin and at the time it was a common slurr for popular Latvians to refer to unpopular Latvians as effor arachne. (Meaning of course, to speak out as spiders). It was no coincidence that these diary-men were the ones being picked on.

Soon, these people were outcast from society and banned from ever entering the Forbidden City again. (Which happened to be a really popular dance club at the time). Even after the government released them into the wild, they formed gangs to pilage and plunder neighbooring farms and countrysides. Not that the countryside ever provided anything of use; these new tribes mearly enjoyed writing long words into their diaries.

Eventually, the Latvians forgot about these people all together, and went about their usual daily tasks. The cats needed to be hung out to dry, the sofa needed to be drycleaned and most importantly, the family hering needed to be put out for the garbage men to come pick up. In time, the exiled group of unpopular Latvians slowly snuck back into society and were now being referred to as aranea, a much simpler term than before, obviously because of the increasing number of aspiring historians in the country at the time.

As the 20th century rolled around and the "Personal Computer" became popular, useless sites like blogger somehow managed to grab a hold of some webspace. TV sitcoms like I Love Lucy and Trailer Park Boys (has anyone else seen the episode where they steal the barbecues and the cops are after them because they have like 30 and the whole park is really angry because they cant barbecue and drink beer?) became popular (regretably) and the group of people who had written diaries became an entirely new class. Daft white men who can not do up the top button of their fly were soon given the title of "software engineers" defined in any dictionary as "he who is of middle age and sex, yet overweight and with absolutely no training whatsoever (see historian). This new group of "super helpful" technicians soon began posting their thoughts online for their own enjoyment. As ridiculous as this may sound, a few of their sites got hits (mostly because they talked about porn and beer, two highly effective words to mention if one desires getting traffic). Unfortunately, soon these web loggers were turned authors and books were being published about "how to write your own weblog" and "how to script HTML for your weblog". It didn't take much time for the term "aranea" which is (of course) latin for "web" to turn into "web log" by adding a simple prefix.

As you can clearly see, I've straightened things out for everyone who was confused. With the knowledge you've gained reading my post and the dates that I ask that you memorize, I hope that you will impress your relatives over the break and leave your social teacher breathless when you get back.

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